... indeed, I've often thought that, if I could say in words what I aimed to convey in a piece, I'd write the words instead of the piece ...
This is so, so true, and not just about music, but virtually any art form, especially poetry. If you can reduce a poem to a short explanation of its "message", you don't need the poem. As Pound said, "Messages are for Western Union".
Incidentally, on the subject of abstruse programme notes, back in the days when I used to hang out with more musical company than I do today, I occasionally wrote bogus programme notes for new pieces when the composer didn't want to supply any. They were parodies much in the style of the drivel quoted above, but always with a few giveaway cues that the text was not serious (such as a completely fatuous and banal ending - take Neil's example and add at the end, "The piece also was inspired by watching Milwall playing Scunthorpe").
That could be for a new work by Shostakovich, though, couldn't it?(! - well, substitute Rangers for the former and Celtic for the latter and...)...